I have had a very busy month this November and I am sure December will be more so. The Tyrant turned 3, which meant birthday party, cakes, presents, gift bags, invitations, thank you notes, wrapping, birthday cards all of which had to be painfully organised, searched for and made, not easy in Riyadh where celebration is a ‘bad’ word and not a welcome concept! But I managed it, I say I, because my husband/Rock’s contribution was to say ‘how many kids are coming?’ The morning of the birthday party. But to give credit where it’s due, the night before the birthday party, when he saw how close to tears I was, he helped decorate the ocean themed birthday cake and at the birthday party he came into his own childish social butterfly element by running around the soft play as the leader for all the kids, which would not have been easy for me to do while wearing an abaya! So in the end he was my Rock!
So the birthday party was a huge success, the first children’s birthday party I have thrown, the first that Tyrant has had with her friends and not just her family, and everyone had fun, had food, had cake and got a party bag. Yes!!! I was exhausted, I am pretty sure all the self induced pressure coupled with the mad and frustrating rush around Riyadh’s malls, souqs and even Bahrain’s 1BD shops broke me. But I loved it, I was totally in the moment!! The only time i even thought about something outside of the moment was when I found myself thinking on the day, that if I had to throw 2 birthday parties a year for 2 children I would hope, that they were born close together so that they could share their birthday party, resulting in me just planning and organising one birthday. Although, as one of 4 children where 3 out of 4 were born in the same month I know that is not welcomed by children. But aside from the previous stray thought, I wasn’t focused on shoulda, coulda, woulda, just on the moment of Tyrants 1st childrens birthday party and it was amazing and a relief to not be thinking about Cacia and her missing space, sure her space is there, but the moment was solely about Tyrant.
But, now the mad rush of party fever is over and I find myself reflecting. This time last year I was pregnant with Cacia. And this time last year, much the same as I am now, I was beginning to prepare for Christmas and imagining next Christmas with my 2 children. Now I reflect back on last year’s perceived knowledge, when I had the future planned, I thought I knew what my future held; 2 children’s birthday parties, 2 children’s Christmas presents, 2 children. Upsetting to reflect on, but then I reflect on this year. This Christmas I won’t be pregnant, I don’t know what my future holds, I haven’t planned anything for next year except to be in the moment. The past year has shown me how fleeting life is, it has taught me, quite harshly, that plans change and you just have to enjoy what you have now. Live in the moment and enjoy it while it lasts and be hopeful.