Is it just me, or is the sentiment ‘New Year, New You’ a bit irritating? I happen to finally be ok with who I am, sure I would like to lose that stone (ssh more like 2) of weight that crept on since Cacia’s death, but other than that I am relatively confident and happy in who I am. (And really, would losing weight make a new me??) I feel like I finally recognise this new/old me!
What irritates me with the ‘New Year, New You’ sentiment is how easy it portrays the ability for individuals to change in a noticeable and positive way. My metamorphosis was a painful process catalysed by an extremely traumatic event, an event that will echo for the rest of my life, and my family’s life, with a missing space. Most change is unseen and unnoticeable, major change is usually precipitated by an event that makes us question ourselves and or life. So how can the fact that the clock ticked over to a new year coupled with crass motivational words be enough, alone, to catalyse a metamorphosis?
For so much of 2015, I couldn’t see myself, I was in flux trying to find balance on severely unstable ground, but finally towards the end of the year I started to feel more stable, and the new/old me became apparent. It really did feel like that, that the new/old me just emerged, the reality is that, one day, I just noticed that a bit of the old me was back, mingled with a new me.
Be it through age or life experience, my new/old self is someone I have finally got to grips with. I am happy with my life attitude, life choices and general outlook and I am not fussed by others’ opinion of me. I am a bit grumpy, with a very dry sense of humour, a bit impatient (although very patient when dealing with Rock, Tyrant and general life in Riyadh), stubborn, defiant, a bit soft (in body, emotions and mind) and generally (apart from any day ending in a Y) I have a positive outlook on life and my future. I am compassionate but I have developed a very hard edge, that can be sharp if provoked. I know that I am strong, I know that I haven’t yet had all my life tests and I know that I am stubborn enough to keep getting up even when I am knocked down, ground down and knocked out. So, as of right now I am pretty proud of who I have become. Therefore, I have no immediate plans to make any changes to fit in with this ‘New Year, New You’ sentiment.
That being said, I am not naive enough to believe that I am an unchanging entity. I change constantly, I am constantly assessing and adapting myself in response to life, that is normal and healthy. I see myself as on a journey, while on this journey there are moments where I recognise myself and feel secure and there are many moments when I don’t and I am still in flux. Thankfully, I am now in a moment where I see myself and know myself, unfortunately the cost was high and very painful. So, ‘New Year, meet Me’.