I am not somebody that trusts easily. Now, don’t get dramatic, I don’t look at every person I meet with suspicion or anything like that, I am just very self-reliant. Why trust someone to do something when you know you can do it the way you want it, no disappointment?!? This is a core part of my makeup, probably so many reasons why, and despite my time in Her Majesty’s Forces and a dabble in delegation, I know I will always trust myself over somebody else.
So, it’s a bit of a problem that I don’t trust myself anymore. Specifically, I don’t trust my body anymore. It struggled during my first pregnancy, but it managed to survive, by the skin of its teeth to deliver my precious Tyrant. During my second pregnancy it struggled again, and unfortunately it failed to sustain my daughter resulting in my Cacia’s missing space. But now, after managing to get pregnant within 2 months of trying with my first 2 children through haphazard sex, after 3 months of haphazard sex and 3 months of planned/timed sex it hasn’t gotten pregnant. So, now I am questioning my body’s ability to do the one thing that I don’t seem to be able to do as well as so many others, have a baby.
What do you do when you don’t trust your body? It feels like my body and I are disconnected, that it isn’t doing what I want. Obviously, it is doing what I tell it to do; move you left leg etc… but the one thing I want it to do is the one thing I can’t tell it to do, have a baby. And it’s annoying! And frustrating! And upsetting! And as much as I rationalise; adoption, IVF, family of 3, precious Tyrant, time for you, health etc…. I can’t help but scream internally at my body; ‘why are you not doing this???’
I know that there are people in the world that have real problems wondering how they are going to feed their children or for some how they are going to keep them safe and well. But today this post is purely self indulgent and selfish, so I apologise for my moment of feeling sorry for myself. This week my period came, again, but like every month before I hoped this would be the month it wouldn’t. This month, I realised that I no longer trust my body, and this time I realise how much that saddens me.
I am a fit, relatively slim(ish), young(ish), healthy(ish) woman. My body can run 10km, not fast but fast enough that’s it doesn’t count as walking. It can carry my 16kg toddler on one hip for hours, while she sleeps and while she tantrums and while I cook dinner, so it is strong and can endure. I can even manage 5 sets of 10 burpees in a row (I am proud of this as after having both my children I found burpees one of the hardest movements to do, everything jiggled painfully and I am much heavier than when I found them easier). Which is why, I hate the fact that I have lost faith in my body.
My body is strong and healthy, and has performed miracles; it got me through 30 weeks of Initial Officer Training, it got pregnant twice, it survived both pregnancies and managed to give me my precious Tyrant despite so many challenges. I know that in reality getting pregnant is a bit of a magical miracle, when you read about the science of it all the stars in the universe practically have to align, but I still blame my body for not getting pregnant, for failing to support Cacia and for struggling to create and support new life. I know I am not giving credit where it is due. I know that this is not a fault situation, this is just the way it is. But I can’t help feeling let down by my own body, I feel disappointed that my body is unable to do what so many others do every day, create a baby and keep that baby alive. And yet I am already hoping next month will be different.
So why do I still hope? Why do I still hope that next month my body will gift me a miracle? I do still hope, hopefully it is not misguided.