I was asked by a newly bereaved mum, ‘how did you get out of such a dark hole?’ referring to the darkness that we all plunge into the minute our babies become Angels. She hoped that a year on from Cacia’s stillbirth that I would have successfully managed to navigate myself out of said dark hole. My response, perhaps not eloquent, was to snort and say ‘I’m not sure I have.’ A year on, I still feel the loss of Cacia, still feel her missing space all around me and my family, random moments re-enact my grief and I can find myself up, down and all levels in between in that dark hole. But, despite my not so stellar first words to her, she opted to continue to chat with me. It reminded me how lonely it can be in this exclusive club we end up joining, that requires no application just a tragedy in order to become a member.
When I first joined this club, I had a small group of friends around me, other mothers with children the same age as Tyrant, that knew what had happened and were supportive in a real way, child care etc…but then 3 weeks after Cacia’s stillbirth I relocated to Bahrain (I was about to become homeless and a single parent due to a life changing decision, made prior to everything happening, to accept a relocation to the Sandpit). Rock couldn’t come with us to Bahrain, due to his work commitments to the new company in the Sandpit, so it was decided that Tyrant and I would go to Bahrain, stay with my mum and be closer to Rock in the Sandpit. Great practical decision, not such a great emotional decision. Whereas at home I felt alone in my grief, the feeling in Bahrain was intensified. I knew no-one, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make new friends, new toddler groups brought forth the constant dreaded questions about how many children you have? But, despite all of the above I still looked for support, I still searched for something that made me feel less alone. I talked about my girls (plural), I was open about Cacia’s stillbirth (despite the number of discomforted expressions I received in return), I read blogs online, I joined a new child loss support group in Bahrain. I tried a lot of different ways, but in the end, for me, reading blogs and, eventually, writing a blog helped, and still does, make me feel less alone.
I am not someone, who is comfortable with verbally expressing my emotions, feelings, deep dark thoughts. But when I read others thoughts, feelings, experiences so similar to my own, it makes me feel like I am not alone in this dark hole, I feel like I am not alone in being unable to navigate my way out, because it really is too dark to see! Not feeling alone is what helps keep the crippling affects of the dark hole at bay, because we are all stumbling around together in the dark, trying to find a slither of light. So, to all of you out there lost in the dark hole, feeling alone, I am right there with you, you just have to reach out.