Bleurgh!!!

Mother’s Day, my second Mother’s Day without Cacia. The first was, well, bleurgh! I was with a toddler Tyrant, a few weeks post delivery of Cacia, still struggling with the post delivery complications, the hormones, the grief, even showering was a struggle, so I really wasn’t in the mood. But I did make an effort, I took my mum and Tyrant out for brunch, mainly to try and keep things as normal as possible (if I had done what I wanted, which I wanted to do every day then, I would have refused to get out of bed and told the world to bugger off, wasn’t an option then or now!)

This year, I’m still not really in the mood, but I have to be. Tyrant is 3 years old, her preschool are devoting an entire day of activities to Mother’s Day. Already, she keeps coming up to me, very sweetly, and saying ‘happy mummy’s day, mummy’. Tomorrow Tyrant will return home to me, with some form of a self made card and or gift, that I will treasure (I have kept every single picture, mark, line that Tyrant has made for me) and I will be reminded how lucky and thankful I am that I have one of my children with me. At the same time, I will be reminded how unfair it is that I can’t treasure all the weird shaped mummy drawings done by Cacia. But this year, I will also be reminded, that the likelihood of me becoming a mother thrice over is increasingly unlikely.

As thankful as I am for Tyrant, her inexhaustible energy and her weird and wonderful artwork I can’t stop that small part of me from still being a bit down. So, for today, the day before, I will enjoy dancing with my Tyrant to ‘Strange Magic’ (her new obsession) and start prepping the baking ingredients, because ‘Mummy, you need a cake for Mummy’s Day’ (I think she thinks it is a birthday). To all the other Mummys out there, Happy Mummy’s Day, be it an up or down day.

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2 thoughts on “Bleurgh!!!

  1. Your writing moves me beyond words. I would love to be able to sit with you and share a coffee or perhaps a gin or three. Look after yourself lovely. Xxx

    Like

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