Know, NOW!!!

2 days late, a pregnancy test with a faint (very, very faint, faint) T line, the kind of line that if you weren’t hoping to be pregnant you wouldn’t see. So, now I am left unsure, am I pregnant? Or am I just wishful, and adding up the figures wrong! Does a 2 day late period plus an almost non existent line really equal pregnant?

Unfortunately only time will tell, and that is the problem. I want to know now!! I don’t want to wait, it’s been months of trying and disappointment every month. Some months, I have even been late to start, like now, by 4 days until my period arrives (for some reason I find it hard to purchase pregnancy tests in the Sandpit, they are always out of stock, so I don’t always have a test to hand to take). This time I have taken 3, 2 the same and one different. The 2 which detect the lowest amount of HCG are producing very, very faint T lines, the digital one which isn’t as sensitive, is negative. 

I hate that after a month of not trying, and really not expecting to get pregnant this month, that I am now back to obsession. This month, I felt lighter and freer, I had let go of trying for and expecting a pregnancy. Now I am late! And it is back; the fear of not being, the fear of being, the complete domination of all my thoughts on being or not being. The rational and logical part of me knows that what will be will be. The other part, the emotional, grief stricken, desperate mother wants to know, either way, NOW!!

For a control freak like me, the feeling of being out of control, especially over an area that is so important to me pushes me close to the edge. I find myself, argumentative, craving solitude, I push my Rock away, I can’t share with him my feelings and hear his, so I am especially argumentative with him, find anything to pick on that will distract me from my own feelings and fears, to even voice them will tip me over. I am sorry Rock, that I am so very fucked up, I make it hard to love me, I know this, I’m sorry. 

Just a few more days, then I will know…

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