Ride the waves…

Milestones are different for everyone, Mother’s Day upsets some, for me not so much. Summer, on the other hand, has me thinking. Thinking can be dangerous for me, so I decided to get the thoughts out, work out what i am thinking, so here we go…

Last summer, I decided I was ready to start trying again for a baby, despite the news that I had moderate Asherman’s Syndrome. Last summer I thought, the next time I am back here I will have a little baby. Last summer, I naively thought that a baby would be what ‘made me better’, I didn’t know then what I know now, nothing makes you better, you just learn to live again with your missing space. 

This summer, there is no baby, there are pregnancies, but no baby. This summer there is realisation; I am not going to have our third child. This summer there is acceptance; both for Cacia’s missing space but also my own infertility. This summer there is sadness, but not the desperate clawing grief that I had last summer. This summer the memories of last summer threaten to overwhelm me, I feel like I could drown in the emotions of last summer the waves are rocking me, pushing and pulling me, but I am still riding them. I am not under yet, the gamble is to ride them until the waves flatten again. 

This summer is a milestone, another in a long line of milestones after Cacia’s stillbirth. There will be more. Sometimes I manage to ride the waves, sometimes I get taken. Whichever way the ride goes the waves will always, eventually, flatten and life has continued on despite the ride and the outcome. I’ll let you know how this ride goes…

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