Everything is a compromise, nothing is perfect or as you want it. But when does a compromise go too far? When you feel desperate? When you can’t accept it? What do you do if you can’t accept the alternative, because it is another compromise? Do you stay or do you go? How to decide…
Sometimes being a fighter is the worse attribute to claim ownership of. I am always searching for the compromise where everyone is happy. But sometimes, like now that search is fruitless, frustrating, depressing and damaging. But I can’t let go, my brain won’t stop searching, fighting to find the solution, even though it is hurting me, hurting my husband, hurting my daughter, hurting us all. The casualties of this search are me; an emotional lunatic, depressed, tired, desperate and irrational, my family; unsettled, walking on egg shells. I can see this, yet still that switch in my brain won’t flip off, that switch that says fighter or accept. My switch won’t flick off, it won’t let me flip from fighting to acceptance.
In some regards, this is good, it is what was needed after Cacia died, my inherent fight instinct meant that even when I had given up consciously, I hadn’t, not subconsciously. But right now, it isn’t good, it is damaging and actually causing my plummet into the dark tunnel of depression.
Right now, I feel like my whole existence is outside my control. My fertility (or lack of it), my inability to adopt a child (I live in the Sandpit), my ability to be independant (I am officially a dependant in every way of my husband or of a random male taxi driver), the inability to move to another house on another compound in the same area that costs less than where we currently reside where the lease has expired (the company has said no, no explanation necessary from them).
What options are available, stay and accept the situation (which I am unable to do anymore, it is what has caused my current desperate predicament), go back to the UK with Tyrant and Bo (be a single parent again with no family or spouse support), wait until Rock finds another job (well he has been looking since last year and still hasn’t found anything, so could be a long wait). All are compromises, none are what I want, and to get what I want is not within my or my husbands control. So, what to do?
Well for now, unfortunately, I keep fighting and not accepting. As a result, I feel trapped and desperate and am at the bottom of a very long, swirling black tunnel and can’t see the light or the way out. I need to compromise, I need to find the compromise, I need to let go and accept, don’t I? I need it all. But that doesn’t exist, does it.