To giving up hope…

This summer was; busy, fun, emotional, bumpy, smooth, alcoholic and filled with bloody periods. I have finally marked Cacia’s grave with her name and a lovely pot housing something pretty that will hopefully last a year long, the lady at the garden shop said it would, so here’s hoping!

By the end of the summer, my hope for a positive pregnancy test and no miscarriage had dwindled to nothing. I gave up hope and actually for the first time in ages felt free, I felt light and unencumbered, I hadn’t even realised how much my hope for a pregnancy was weighing me down, shackling me.  

I am sure you can guess where this is going…. Yes, you guessed it…a positive pregnancy test (another, obviously not my first). Fussed? Excited? Umm…not really – a positive test means nothing when I know that an early miscarriage is just round the corner…

I’m 8 weeks pregnant now, so still pregnant. Yay! Right?!? Yes, Yay! But I’m waiting for it all to go wrong! I feel pretty numb, I also feel shit with nausea and exhaustion and guilt. As much as I am desperate for this baby to stay, survive, be born screaming, there is an equal part of me that won’t allow me to be excited or happy or hopeful (at least not too much) because all too quickly it can be ripped away and I will be back at the bottom of a black hole, lost and in pain. 

I feel guilty for feeling like this, for not revelling in the shittiness that is the first trimester, I know how hard the journey has been to get here, I know the desperate pain of disappointment that arrives with the bloody period every month. But I can’t let go of my protectective litany, it’s on repeat, looping round and round non stop; ‘it’s still early, you lost Cacia at 22 weeks, it can happen at any time, don’t get hopeful, be cautious in your excitement…’

I have had my first proper antenatal appointment today, been scanned seen the baby. So emotional, the last scan before this was of Cacia with no heartbeat. It felt great to see a blob on the screen and see and hear blobs heartbeat. I was hoping it would kickstart my own excitement and hope for the future of this pregnancy, unfortunately not. The minute I left my protective litany started up again. 

For now I am trying to focus on the positives (while my litany plays in my head!) I am pregnant, I haven’t miscarried (yet, sorry I can’t stop myself!), I like my OBGYN, I like his plan, I am not being sick (just feel it), I have rediscovered the joys of the daytime nap (only possible because Tyrant is at school!), I have a good reason to go to bed and sleep at the same time as Tyrant and finally, giving up hope eventually led to a pregnancy, so maybe the continuation of no hope will lead to a successful birth….

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