So, I have started telling people I am pregnant. How many weeks are you? Wow! You’re so lucky you can’t even tell, you’re not even showing, I was…. How are you feeling? No, nausea? You’re so lucky, I was …. oh, you’re tired, you’re so lucky that’s all you’ve got, I was….
When did pregnancy become a competition between us all? Do we really need to do this? Honestly, I don’t want to tell you my pregnancy history, I don’t want to defend my tiredness and exhaustion against your tiredness, exhaustion, nausea, sickness etc… this is my third pregnancy (I don’t count the 2 early miscarriages) and I have learnt that I don’t enjoy pregnancy, I don’t like to talk about my pregnancy, I don’t like unsolicited advice about my pregnancy.
Here it is, I am tired and exhausted, I am pretty numb regarding my pregnancy because I know how quickly it can all be gone, just disappear, and suddenly you’re left with a missing space that you have to learn to live with, I am currently enjoying the throes of a high risk pregnancy, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions which coupled with pregnancy hormones makes my head a chaotic, simultaneously numb/emotional and buzzy mess.
Logically, I know that everyone is just reminiscing and wanting to share in the expected excitement pregnancy announcements bring. I just can’t wait for the reminiscing and exchanging of pregnancy stories to end, because I don’t want to share my story. Why, don’t I want to share? I don’t want to see, and then have to deal with, the look of shock and fear of what to do/say on their faces when I do, because quite simply I do not have the energy to do so. As I have said I am tired and exhausted, all my energy goes on surviving the day and my 3 year old tyrant, I don’t need to waste emotional and physical energy on explaining my traumatic 1st pregnancy, my devastating 2nd pregnancy, my Ashermans, my 2 miscarriages and finally my 3rd high risk pregnancy.
It is just more energy efficient to nod my head in agreement to being lucky, because I am lucky, don’t you know?