You are not a panicker…

In 10 days I will have my 12 week scan (granted it will be at 14 weeks) but you know, it’s the Growth and Nuchal Translucency scan. For some reason, no logical reason, I am starting to fret. All of it in my mind, I can’t verbalise it, it might happen if I do (I know I sound crazy) but I keep playing out the scenario; the scan with Cacia where I was told her heart had stopped beating but transposing it to my current doctor’s surgery and with this baby. Cacia didn’t even die at this point of pregnancy, but this fear is not logical or rational. I find myself saying out loud to myself, ‘Stop it! You are not a panicker!’

Every night I lie awake for hours, my mind warring with itself; rational versus irrational, logical versus illogical, panic versus calm. Neither side is winning, so the battle rages on in the silence of my mind, because even to say it scares me. I know revealing my fear, forcing it into the light will reduce them, but I can’t, so I am writing it. 

This is my fear, I fear in 10 days time the sonographer will say to me; ‘I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat, your baby is gone’. 

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4 thoughts on “You are not a panicker…

  1. I just told my husband yesterday that I fear this exact fear before every ultrasound. It is such an unfair thing to live with. I hope you can find peace. I am working on it daily. At 26 weeks, and feeling movement, with a doppler at home that I use daily, I still have this fear. It has calmed down a bit, but I’m not sure it ever goes away.

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      1. I agree with that wholeheartedly. Something else I was recently thinking. Im.not sure how I could have survived the last 3 years without this blog.

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      2. A sentiment, I completely agree with. My writing and reading others’ writings has allowed me to create a support group, so that wherever I am, I never feel alone. I have found that when I don’t know how I feel or I feel lost and overwhelmed, others’ words have helped me clarify my thoughts and feelings and have eventually helped me find myself, again and again.

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