How do I explain…

Tyrant now knows about Baby, she is so excited and is already making plans for a baby sister and all that they will do together (we don’t know what the gender of Baby is, she just wants a baby sister). However, with the news of a new baby sibling on the horizon has come an increase in talking about her baby sister Cacia, who died. ‘Cacia’s in heaven, isn’t she Mummy!?’ (Yes Tyrant, she is) ‘Why couldn’t Cacia stay?’ (Her heart stopped beating, we only have so many in life) ‘If I believe in Fairies and Unicorns they come back to life, I believe in Cacia, Mummy, I want her to be here, Mummy!’. (This isn’t the same, this is a different kind of magic). 

How do I explain. As Tyrant gets older and sees and learns more, more questions come. We don’t want to lie to her, but we also want her to keep her magical innocence. We muddle through as best we can, not lying but not telling the whole truth. It’s a fine line, and balancing it is complex, emotional and stressful. Rock, is simply at a loss for words whenever these questions come, and he freezes when she starts to get upset. He is a man that feels deep, but that is where they stay, deep, never to surface.  

As we have encouraged openness, we (read I) have now had to have a chat with her teacher at school, the frequency of these questions about Cacia now are such that I don’t know what will trigger them, a story about a baby, a unicorn, magic. In order to try and keep continuity in message we have made her teacher aware of the party lines we are using to answer Tyrants questions, explain life and death, explain magic, solve the intricacies of life that a little girl is confused by, even I am confused by.

As I rode home on the bus (remember in the Sandpit no women drivers) bouncing around, and trying to ignore the urge to wee, I realised a truth. The impact of Cacia’s missing space never leaves, nearly 2 years later, I still feel her loss, as does does my 4 year old little girl, as does Cacia’s father, as will out next child. Cacia’s missing space is an echo that never quietens and never leaves. Every day, there will be something that reminds us of her missing space, all are and will be heartbreaking. Today, and for the next however many days, my heartbreaks as I try to find the words to explain to Tyrant why Cacia died and why she can’t bring her back to life. The reality is I don’t know why Cacia died and I don’t know why I can’t bring her back to life, I want the same answers Tyrant does, and no answer will ever be enough to explain. How do I explain, when I don’t understand why either. 

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