Round and round we go, where we stop…

Do you know the phrase, round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows?! It perfectly explains my thoughts for the last week. I am now 10 days further in this pregnancy than I was with Cacia’s. I keep thinking what’s different? How does this pregnancy differ to Cacia’s? The answers; consultant lead, not midwife led; medication to improve blood flow to the placenta; close monitoring of me and the baby with growth scans, blood and urine analysis; time for discussion with the Consultant; time to rest, now Tyrant is in school for the morning. 

Then comes the merry go round, what if… what if I had the same monitoring, would Cacia’s death have still happened? What if we had had private medical care in the UK with a more comprehensive antenatal package, would anything have changed? If I had had more scans (which is common practice here) would we have caught the placental issues, could something have been done? So many what ifs, so many questions. Round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows…

I know that what happened happened, no answers will come out of the merry go round, there is no end, but equally I know I can’t stop my mind from wandering there and wondering. So for now, I ride the merry go round, round and round I go, where I stop, nobody knows. 

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