Single Umbilical Artery (SUA). Those are the words that came after, ‘so, there is nothing to worry about, yet, your baby has…’ 

Here’s the thing, there is no right way to tell the parents of a child that died during pregnancy that their current pregnancy has a possible issue. As it goes, my OBGYN did really well, reassuring us, telling us his plan to make sure we have a healthy live baby, informing us of what having an SUA means for the baby etc… but, it doesn’t change the fact that an already risky pregnancy just got that bit riskier. It has taken me a week to process the information, to get perspective, to go through the maelstrom of emotions and feelings that hearing the news wrought on me. I feel exhausted, physically and mentally, but I can’t sleep and resting without distraction at the moment is dangerous for my mental health. 

Hearing those words from the OBGYN brought back every negative and destructive thought I had about myself after Cacia died, and to be fair still do in the irrational part of my mind. My body’s failings, my inability to support a baby, to keep them alive and well. My fault. I know logically those feelings are emotional and irrational, which is why I have needed time to gain perspective, which I more or less have, sort of.

There are many things I have learnt since Cacia died, but the most significant lessons I have learned are about myself and my partner. We can survive, we can cope, we may not know how, it may be inadvertent, but whatever comes we will deal with it, we will survive it and we will become whoever we need to be to do so. 30 weeks and counting…