Too many questions, no answers…

What do You do? What do You do, when there are no answers, too many questions and too many unknowns? I don’t know what You do, but I go numb, I get overwhelmed and my brain and body just go numb. I think it must be a self defence mechanism, my body and brain start to feel too much, to think too much so it just shuts down, until it can cope then it starts to feel and rationalise, but this process can take days. But, basically, eventually I am able to compartmentalise: emotion and rationale get separated and clear thought conquers.

If you haven’t already guessed from the previous, the latest scan wasn’t a harbinger of great news, or good news, or even ok news. In fact it was the harbinger of shit news, too many questions with no answers and a truck load of fear. Hearing the words uttered ‘ok, so the baby has failed the BPP (BioPhysical Profile) scan this means that baby is at high risk of intrauterine death’. Queue shocked silence, and he continues with ‘we will do a CTG (Non Stress Test) on baby and if ok we won’t intervene and deliver baby but you will repeat the BPP in 48hrs’. Felt like we had shot from 30mph to 140mph in about 5 seconds. So, that’s where we are at, repeat scan/test and then, I honestly have no idea… as I said too many questions and no answers, at the moment. 

Rock, as always is able to compartmentalise within hours of hearing shit news, me I can in the immediate aftermath, but the minute I get home that stops and emotion crowds in and pretty quickly I go numb and uncommunicative. Luckily I have been able to process quickly, and now the day before the next scan I am feeling…ok, I think?! I keep asking myself; what can You do? The only answer I have is; nothing. I literally can’t do anything, except hope, try stay positive, wait, wait, wait and wait. I can also use Dr Google. Obviously I am using Dr Google, but only to educate myself on what the BPP is and why the results of it are important (it’s the foetal equivalent of the Apgar test). At least I now feel I have an inkling of the relevance and importance of the BPP, even if it is via Dr Google. I think having some semblance of knowledge makes me feel like I have some semblance of a handle on what is happening, even though I know I don’t, not really. I am just waiting, and filling my time with something, anything, that makes me feel like I am doing something, even though there is nothing I can do. Tomorrow is, The Day. 32 weeks, and counting?!? 

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