Finally! After what feels like countless scans, countless CTG’s, countless consult meetings we have had one go well. It does not seem like much to get excited about, but so far, until the last scan every time we have had a scan something hasn’t been right. Baby hasn’t moved the way Baby is supposed to, the blood flow, the oxygen, the growth it is has felt never ending. But, finally, we have had one scan where everything was within normal limits! I felt so relieved, I still do. But I feel a lot, too much, at the moment.
I know why. I had to go through my medical NHS notes to provide information on what pain medication I have had in my previous deliveries, Tyrants and Cacia’s. Going through Cacia’s delivery notes was like reliving every moment of the labour, the loss, again. Every note made by the Midwife, the Anaesthetist, the OBGYN Consultant, is like a memory marker of the labour. The words that are burned in to my mind are; ‘Delivery of baby girl. Rest In Peace.’
Up until now I have never read the notes, I have just put them in ‘The Box’. ‘The Box’ that contains all of Cacia’s paperwork, moments, memories, all the triggers that I avoid, until something makes me look and feel. I feel the loss again in a visceral, real, fresh and raw way. I feel wounded and vulnerable. I feel lost and alone.
5 weeks today, I will be induced with this baby, the same way I was with Cacia. 5 weeks today, I will hold a crying, live baby in my arms. Today I will go with Rock and Tyrant to buy new mattresses for the carrycot and cotbed. The carrycot and cotbed that Tyrant slept in, that Cacia should have slept in, and this baby will sleep in.
I feel overwhelmed with feelings and emotions, all coming at me from different directions all triggering something profound that I can’t verbalise or understand. I haven’t felt lost and alone for a while, I can’t explain why I feel, I just want someone to just know, to know what it feels like to be in my situation, to have experienced and know that there are no words. I want someone else to know that the words; ‘delivered baby girl. Rest In Peace’ are the most beautiful and painful words in my world.
For Cacia, I hope she is resting in peace, I will never rest in peace, my grief for her is still not at peace, maybe it never will be. Cacia will forever be my missing space, a void that cannot be filled and will never feel peaceful.