Tomorrow’s the Day. We finally made it to 37 weeks, we are now classed as full term. Delivery is tomorrow, induction, which will hopefully end well.
People keep asking ‘how are you feeling?’ ‘Are you feeling excited?’. Honestly, I am overwhelmed with too many emotions to identify how I feel. I feel sad, upset, scared, anticipatory, cautiously hopeful and so many others. I am feeling a lot, I am feeling conflicted and emotional.
I am debating with myself whether to write Tyrant and Rock a letter from me, should something happen to me. A part of me feels like I already had my miracle, I survived Tyrant’s labour as did she, and that by pushing for more, like a second child, Cacia, and now a third I am courting trouble, again. All of my irrational, illogical insecurities have flooded back into my mind, questions and thoughts that plagued me for so long after both my previous labours.
Another part of me, believes that by allowing myself to indulge these negative thoughts and feelings that in some way I might bring it to occur, therefore I am better to focus on the positive outcome I want rather than the one I don’t. So, I project to the future where baby and I are home, I am exhausted, unwashed and trying to work out why baby won’t stop crying.
Today I have verged between tears of fear and weightless relief for what tomorrow may bring. I hold Tyrant close to me, breathing her in, scared I won’t be able to do it again, with either her or my third child. I look at the crib by my bed and smile when I think of my third child lying in it sleeping, or more likely crying.
I don’t want tomorrow to come, I can’t wait for tomorrow to come and for it to be the day after. Tomorrow will come, what will happen will.