Obviously…

A part of me thought, hoped, that with the birth of our son, Tiny Tyrant, that the loss of Cacia would diminish, that the grief and the pain of her not being here would magically be healed. Obviously, that did not happen. Tiny Tyrant, is his own person, we are now 8 weeks into his existence and I look at him and know how lucky we are to have him join us in our journey, but I look at him and still miss Cacia, still wish that She was here. I will always feel and see the missing space that She has left behind. 

I didn’t even realise I was hoping for a ‘cure’ to my grief, until a few weeks after Tiny Tyrants birth and I realised that the depth of my loss for Cacia felt deeper than ever. The experience of having Tiny Tyrant reminds of what Cacia and I never got to have, and that rips new wounds bringing to the fore new thoughts and feelings. I am grieving for Cacia anew, alongside which I experience the joy that is Tiny Tyrant. 

It all seems so obvious that this would happen, but honestly I wasn’t expecting it. I was not so obtuse as not to realise that the birth experience with Tiny Tyrant would refresh old pain, but I did not expect a new grieving process. It is now so obvious and clear that the loss of Cacia will never be healed, and will be felt in recognisable and new ways for the rest of my existence, obviously.  

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