The death of Cacia, brought into focus that Life is; short, and fleeting. This focus had fuzzed a bit in the time since Cacia’s death, by Tiny Tyrant’s birth refocused me. As a result I can experience a paralysing fear of losing another child while simultaneously feeling the need to grab Life and enjoy it, while we can.
I think when you’ve experienced a devastating loss you are forever afraid of experiencing it again. That fear can be paralysing for me, it can make me angry, sad, difficult to deal with, irrational and possessive. I look at Tyrant and Tiny Tyrant and the thought of losing them, of not having enough time with them (I honestly don’t think any amount of time would be enough) can haunt me all day and night. The desire to keep them close to me, as though it be enough to keep them safe from all that may harm them, can sometimes overwhelm me, and I really have to battle myself not to behave irrationally and imprint my fears onto the children.
However, the flip side is that I desperately want to lead by example and teach them that Life is for the living. That they should want to experience all that it offers, make memories and create moments with those that they love. I want them to see Life as a journey that is sometimes adventurous, fun, sad, boring, difficult, easy, challenging, dark, light. Ironically I don’t want them to focus on the inevitable destination, like I do, I want to teach them to focus on their journey.
I wonder am I brave or stupid? Is it stupidity to ignore my fear and teach my children to journey bravely, despite knowing the pitfalls, or is it bravery? Am I giving them the best tools needed for their journey ahead or setting them up for failure? We all know the adage, the line between bravery and stupidity is thin, really it all depends on the end result. I will have to wait and see whether I am brave or stupid, I think I’m both.